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[Featurama] Using the Kübler-Ross Model to Treat Nintendo Grief

 


Are you stuck in a period of Nintendo grief? Have the dust on your Wii and the cobwebs on your 3DS left you with a general distaste for the company? I know how you’re feeling, dear reader, and I’m here to help with the only way I know how: a telling of my own struggle and my road to recovery.

I’m going to recount my own steps toward dealing with this problem and the events that triggered them. If any of them sound familiar to you, you may be farther on the road to recovery than you thought. You see, when dealing with my loss of a love once had, I followed the classic Kübler-Ross model, the five stages of grieving. 

Denial: Right around when the Wii came out, I felt the Nintendo fever coming on. I was an emphatic lover of all things GameCube and I thought the company could do no wrong. I waited for hours outside of a Wal-Mart waiting for that fateful moment where I would acquire the next piece of gaming greatness. All of that was for naught, as the store denied me of my happiness after hours of tedious queue-tending. It was here that I first tasted of Nintendo’s Apple-esque talent for driving up demand with limited supply. When I was finally able to obtain a console a few weeks later, I was decently entertained with Wii Sports for a while, Twilight Princess satiated my love for Zelda, and Super Mario Galaxy knocked my socks off. After those, I quickly began to start feeling jilted. The games just weren’t coming. By that point I had taken the plunge and invested in an HDTV and an XBox 360. The games were beautiful and on my nice, shiny new TV screen, Wii games just weren’t doing it for me. It wasn’t just the graphics, though. Not by a long shot. With the new processing power, the 360 managed to show me true next-generation gaming. Physics models melded into immersion and more complex AI patterns brought undeniable improvements to gaming as a whole. Wii games began to feel dated before they even came out. This couldn’t be right, could it? Nintendo would find a way. They always did. It never came, as long as I waited. The games just stopped. When great games like No More Heroes and New Super Mario Bros. Wii finally began to come out, I couldn’t see the forest for the trees. I never even bothered to play them, even though I’ve had them both sitting on my shelf for ages. I found that I was happier pretending the system didn’t even exist than trying to find happiness within its games. I started to realize that the system wasn’t for me. But Nintendo wouldn’t abandon me, right? They must be working on something big. It didn’t take long, of course, to realize this was a fallacy.

Anger: Fuck Nintendo. I mean, seriously. What the fuck do those assholes think they’re doing other than rolling in their giant fucking money bags? The third-party publishers don’t want anything to do with their shit-show of a console and nobody gives a damn what the fuck kind of mini-game collection Mario and company will get into next. If they don’t announce a new Zelda or Pikmin soon, I’m out. Oh, what? Skyward Sword got announced? Nintendo is pretty awesome. Wait, they’re seriously not bring The Last Story or Xenoblade to America? Those fucking assholes!

Bargaining: Look, Nintendo, I would do anything for you to bring some good games out. Internet petitions? Signed. E-Mails? Sent. All I want is a reason to love you again. You’ve always had my back before, why not now? You’re alienating your biggest fans. What do I have to do? Who do you want me to murder? It’s okay, Nintendo. It really is. Just tell me what you want.

Depression: I guess they’ll never tell me what they want. I don’t know what they want me to do. All I wanted was for their magic to return. I guess that’s too much to ask. I hear that Skyward Sword game is about to come out soon. That’s cool, I guess. Maybe that’ll allow me to understand what’s been happening for the past while. I never even bothered to play Super Mario Galaxy 2. I should get on that at some point. I still can’t believe I spent so much money on this albino door-stop. Oh, man, new system is about to be announced? I hope it’s for me, but I won’t get too set on it. Nintendo doesn’t care about me anyway.

Acceptance: What? It’s called the Wii U? And it’s probably going to be an entire generation behind again? Ha! That’s… Exactly what I expected! It totally isn’t for me! Nintendo has moved on, I guess. The 3DS is a moderate success, with me joining in after the price drop, and they seem to be making it. Just keep on trucking, Nintendo. Keep on bringing out games at a decent pace that I actually care about and maybe we can make this work. I think I had unrealistic expectations of you to start with. That Skyward Sword game wasn’t for me, but I’m glad it got made so that others can enjoy it. Just keep sending me Swapnotes from Reggie and I’ll be happy. God bless you, Nintendo. We had years together and I hope we can maintain the now steady state of this relationship. I’ve finally figured out that I’m not your target audience and I never will be. That’s okay, guys. Just keep making great games and I’ll follow at my own pace. You don’t owe me a damn thing.


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