[Featurama] Fictional Characters We Would Totally Date

Oh Valentine’s Day, the holiday of love, romance, and relationships. Or if you’re me, it’s the day before chocolate goes on sale. Here at Twinfinite we’re getting into the holiday spirit to tell you which fictional character we would love to wine and dine in real life after the jump.
If I was the dating type, I’d go for someone who I’m sure would show me a good time. The person would have to be funny, easy to talk to, share some of the same interests, etc. The only logical choice is myself. To be more specific, I’d pick Muaz Zekeria the star wide receiver for the Houston Texans from Madden 12.

Not only is he tall, dark, and handsome, but he’s also super talented and athletic. Plus he’s rich! We would be perfect together. If he played his cards right, he might get a little sumthin-sumthin. But not on the first date. I’m not that easy.

Mia Fey. What’s to say about her that isn’t amazing. Smart, driven, stylish, and cute, she’s what all gamers should strive for in a woman. Her accomplishment not only as a boss, but as a peer is astounding.

Then, it happened. What would have been a great date, ended before it began.

It will always remain as the one date I’ll never get to go on.

I would date Solid Snake, because my editor failed to clarify that I have to choose a relationship matching up with my sexual preference.

Look, Solid Snake is Solid Snake. He is not a man you say no to. If a pregnant woman hears Snake growl, her child will be born with stubble and an itchy trigger finger. Solid Snake has been shot and tortured and stabbed and railgunned off-screen and as an old man he traveled around the world murdering people and blowing up robots. There is a scene in Metal Gear Solid 4 in which Solid Snake picks up a gigantic railgun and fights off an army of killer robots by himself.

If that does not make one the perfect mate, I don’t know what does.

Also: did you know that snakes are edible? This is not relevant to Solid Snake.

There is a scene in Metal Gear Solid 1 in which Snake is shirtless and tortured. In the Gamecube remake of Metal Gear Solid 1 which featured Matrix-inspired cinematics, Solid Snake is still shirtless and tortured, but with better graphics. You have the option of struggling, which you will do, because if you don’t struggle, you get the ending in which Meryl dies. (Spoiler alert.) If you do what Solid Snake would do and resist, Meryl will survive. To review: Solid Snake is such a loyal lover that he will absorb many thousands of volts of electricity running along his perfectly toned shirtless body in order to save the woman he loves. (He probably doesn’t love her though because they’re not together later. (Also: I was really bad at this sequence in the original PlayStation version even though my friend’s brother was really good at it, but we could never seem to get to that sequence when my friend’s brother was around, so I never got the Meryl ending in the PlayStation version. I did in the Gamecube version, because everything was easier in the Gamecube version.))

I would like to date Solid Snake now.

I thought about my answer for this way longer than I should have. And by that, I mean ten minutes. Would I go with the obvious Nathan Drake? Sexy, adventurous, and funny, he’s got it all. However, if you read my submission for Worst Video Game Couple, you’ll see that’s a no. How about the male character in my Best Video Game Couple submission? Squall? That emo? Hell no. I went through a shitload of characters to realize I’m the pickiest when choosing a fantasy EVER. Do I want to date Gordon Freeman and have him just shut the hell up and look smart? Or do I agree with Zack that scruffy Solid Snake can show me around his cardboard box all day errrday? Finally I came to my answer: Jansen Friedh.He’s from one of my favorite modern JRPGs to date, Lost Odyssey. So of course, he gets extra brownie points for that alone. But he’s also one of the funniest characters I’ve encountered in a video game. His dialogue alone brought the comic relief to the otherwise serious tale (“I don’t get tired in bed!”) (Hawt). He’s one of the only characters to actually get me to burst out laughing. This is credited completely to Michael McGaharn’s tremendous, at times improvised, voice acting. Charismatic, smart, hot, and with a silly side, he’s literally the whole shebang. Even underneath all that is a kind and warm guy that will go out of his way to help a bird. Listing that now just made me realize how he’s not the typical sidekick character. In fact, I’d say he can even be considered as central to the story as Kain is (I thought about the prospect of dating him, but he’s already been everywhere). I would have the best date ever with him, until a hotter woman walks in his line of sight, that is. But at least I’d enjoy those, what, ten minutes?
It probably says something about the state of the video game industry that I can only think of a select few female characters that are particularly interesting. Sure, some interesting characters develop in RPGs (I’ve primarily played the Final Fantasy 7, 8, 9, 10, and 12 series). However, these, like many anime characters, are unfortunately unrealistic, and are often defined by one character attribute (Lulu, Rikku, Selphie, Yuffie, even Aeris and Yuna are honestly fairly one-dimensional). At this point, I’m probably starting to criticize the choices of other staff members, so I’ll stop. If I had to pick one from a video game, maybe Elena Fisher from Uncharted, Alyx Vance from Half-Life 2, or Tifa Lockhart from Final Fantasy VII. I guess I’ve got a thing for more independent, smart, strong women. If we can extend beyond video games, my roommate made the great suggestion of Winifred Burkle, from Angel, the Buffy the Vampire Slayer spinoff tv series. She’s adorable, smart, and improvises medieval weaponry from spare parts. Could come in handy.
In a perfect world, where video game characters would represent real people, I would probably date the feisty Mileena from the Mortal Kombat series. It almost goes without mentioning that she has the best body out of all of the fighters in the Mortal Kombat Tournament. Not to mention, her fighting style proves that she’s pretty flexible, which is always a great thing. Sure her mouth is hideous, but as long as she keeps those chompers under wraps, she is a thing of beauty.

Within my long years of playing video games, I have come across many women, but few of them, once I’ve truly gotten to know them, have been able to fully capture my my heart. Samus is too cold and aloof, Lara Croft just isn’t my type, and I refuse to excavate my deeply hidden memories of what has become known as “The Poison Fiasco.” However, a little bit less than a year ago, I met somebody who I truly adore. Now it’s time to make my love public and introduce everybody to Lynne, the redheaded costar of Capcom’s underselling masterpiece Ghost Trick.Now, looks may not count for everything, but I’d be lying if I said that Lynne was anything short of being cute as a button. Once you get past the exterior, this rookie detective is certainly an interesting woman. Determined, passionate, and one who isn’t afraid to get her hands dirty to help others, she’s got a strength of character that’s rare and admirable. When she knows that she’s doing what’s right, it’s impossible to get her to change course. That’s not her only side, however. She’s also somebody who can make light of situations and maintain a positive attitude, literally laughing in the face of death. Even for somebody as positive as me, keeping a bright outlook can be hard sometimes, so having somebody by my side with a similar, if not brighter outlook would be fantastic. Unfortunately, despite all that she has going for her, Lynne also has a distinct talent for dying, which is something that could make you think twice about entering a committed relationship.

Which character would I date? Now this is a question I’ve thought long and hard about. Probably too long saying that no matter was the probability of my desires coming true will probably forever remain at none. But I must say with little hesitation it would be Prince Zuko from Avatar the Last Airbender. After all, it is due to his character and my massive unhealthy love for him that I’m even studying animation for a career. So I believe I owe it to him to make him my top choice.

Back when Avatar first premiered, of course Zuko sported the not so sexy bald headed ponytail, but I was still drawn to his character. Plus, I’ve got a thing for guys with scars, its a reason why any Assassins Creed protagonist is a close second for this decision. But once Zuzu chopped off his locks at the beginning of season two, I knew he was the fictional one.

His character transformation was just so beautiful and flawless, one could not help but falling in love. Plus. Dat Hair.

I was having a hard time deciding on a character for this. There are many possible choices that I had to ponder, because this is an extremely important question and I take my work seriously. I had to make a choice. Was I going for brains, beauty or badassery?

After thinking about what games I had been playing lately, the answer became clear. I wouldn’t have to pick and choose between the aforementioned attributes because I could have all three! This lovely lass is smart as a whip and isn’t afraid to take out a group of four or five Combine soldiers without breaking a sweat. I’m talking of course about Alyx Vance or Half-Life 2.

She has a charming, independent personality and doesn’t take bullshit from anyone. She is very charismatic and she achieves this without having to dress in a way that draws attention to the twins. She’s very much a “take home to mother” type of gal.
Choosing a character for me to date is tough, since there are so few female protagonists, and many of them that are protagonists, are not someone I would want to spend the night with (see Bayonetta). I think ultimately, I would have to choose Zelda. She’s pristine, she’s royalty, and when need be she can shoot some light arrows. She’s been kidnapped, in love, raced Loftwings, and faced death. She’s all around one of the most desirable women in any game series. She’ll stick by your side no matter what.

Hm? Dating a fictional character? It’d probably be Franziska Von Karma from the Phoenix Wright series. Now I know what wanting to be with a whip carrying, German, dominatrix implies all about my personal preference in women but let’s be honest here but I assure you it’s not just all of the above. Intelligent, sharp dresser, could handle herself, blue hair, I think you’re getting my point. Why go for any helpless damsel when you can be with a woman who can take a bullet to the shoulder (Spoilers) then come back to the courtroom to prove to you that she can still kick your ass. Hot. Well if none of those reasons convince you of anything just look at this photo:

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